rose marshack : whyamistillawake.com

This has been a difficult couple of weeks! I’m just starting to get over this now, but someone whom I thought was a friend, and mentor, and a boss, I just found out, has been very angry with me for at least a year! And, instead of telling me about these things I was supposedly doing, didn’t say a word to me, but instead wrote an email to my current boss enumerating this list he’d kept since Dec 2005. And was still smiling at me all year.

I’m trying to figure out where my work goes from here. The position that I currently occupy at the museum is now open and a permanent position has been created - the Search for that position currently ended and I submitted a resume for it. I hope I get that position. It is a very narrow skillset - someone with a Master’s in Arts and Computer programming skills - and demonstrated interdisciplinary coordination, of which I’ve got about 7 years under my belt… and I have stellar references. But I’ve been told repeatedly that the best person will get that job - and if it’s not me, that’s tough! I’m in total agreement with this, but it’s really scary, taking a leap into a giant crevice like this. I might end up with no job pretty soon! But even if this is the case, I think I can probably find another job.

I just must say that I am currently in a position that is heavenly.
Currently studying: Tonglen Practice, Big Games, and Left-handed European-style knitting (not together).

Thank yous to: John Neill at http://www.oldmanneill.com for writing about me and inspiring me to start this up again.

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New: My theory of temporal dieting.

For example: The Ice-Cream Sundae is not measured in material quantity; i.e., English liquid or dry measurements. It is measured in units of time. For example, a mini-ice-cream sundae at Cozy’s Custard Cup (US$3.85) is 5 minutes long. A large 3-scoop sundae at My House (US$.25) is about 12 minutes long. I put forth, however, that during the 12 minutes, there is a 7-8 minute Chocolate Coma, where you don’t remember eating during that time anyway. With the Mini Sunday (5 minutes) you are pretty much mindful the entire time you’re eating it.

Now, of course, herein lies “the Rub.” During the Chocolate Coma (7-8 minutes) you gain an extra 8000 calories, which you can only take off by doing 2 months of Yoga Pilates or 45 minutes of running for 3 weeks. Who wants to do that? So stick with the 5 minutes of Mindful Cozy’s Mini-Ice-Cream-Sundae.

Why AM I Still Awake?

This is an exciting topic to me tonight, because I’m almost beginning to practice Not Being Awake at this time. I have lately really gotten off the Simplicity track; I’ve bought lots of new clothes (ostensibly for the New Season) and I’ve been staying up late doing stupid things like shopping online For No Other Reason Than To Acquire Things.

In order to give these things up (things like Staying Up Too Late and Shopping Without A Good Reason) you have to be ready to Let Go. That’s something I used to practice on the stage all the time, except now I’m not on a stage, I’m in a Very Comfortable Office. I’m not sleeping on people’s floors, I’m sleeping on Slightly Expensive Sheets. When things start getting too good, you start wanting Even More.

I’ve also been reading an Inordinate Amount of Winnie-The-Pooh to Gram, hence the Strange Capitalizations.

So tonight for meditation practice, I just practiced doing absolutely nothing and Resting. That worked for a good 2 seconds, actually. I was very impressed. And then I got very impressed, and it all went downhill - or uphill, I guess - from there.

A lady at work had chest pains today and was dragged against her will to the hospital. The hospital gave her stress tests and other things and then told her she was ok, she just had probably a muscle spasm. This is a beautiful older (than me) woman at work - always looks very well put-together and laughs a lot. I worried about her. She came right back to work after she spent her day at the hospital. I might have actually gone home after spending a day wondering if I’ve had a heart-attack. I thought that if work stress was causing her pain, she might want to rest from it. That’s when I started thinking about the giving stuff up.

The stuff you need to give up is the extra stuff that you don’t really have to worry too much about. Like tomorrow, I worry that I should not go to a new Yoga-Pilates class at 9am instead of going to work. But I’m not even supposed to go to work on Fridays; that’s my day off. I just have so much stuff I need to do. But the thing is, an hour of Yoga-Pilates is probably much better for me than an hour of sitting at my desk drumming up even more trouble for myself and others.

The Martial Arts Festival

The Martial Arts Festival that will happen at the Krannert Art Museum on October 14th is going to probably be the funnest day of my life. Unless someone accidentally sticks a spear through a Lichtenstein or something. The Festival will start with Tea Ceremony - then lots of other martial arts - then a very short seminar on Kung-fu cinema - then more martial arts! Here’s our workspace for it:http://cu-martial-arts-festival.pbwiki.com/ — doesn’t it look amazing?

I hope I’m not the only person in the world who thinks - no, KNOWS - that martial arts belongs in the Art Museum. We’ll see.

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I’m currently struggling with

1) Cleaning my house (ongoing for years) - too much clutter. What does it mean? I am too attached to weird stupid things, like these little ribbons I bought in Lhasa 5 years ago. I should stuff them in a drawer. Also, shirts that I have only worn for an hour. Stuff that I need to put in my closet except that I cannot put it there because Gram’s asleep in his room, where my closet is. Maybe we do need a bigger house? No. Less stuff. (Problem: Attachment)

2) Trying to do less. Simplifying. I tend to gravitate towards things that are much easier (and more fun) for me to do at work. Then I tend to spend a lot of time with them. (Problem: Fear)

3) Eating less. I am eating too much and I’m going to get fat if I keep it up. Being fat will make me not as happy, and not as healthy. But before I eat that cookie or ice-cream sundae I tell myself “I deserve this.” What the hell does that mean? I deserve to be unhealthy? (Problem: Attachment, and possibly, stupidity)

4) Breathing. I am not breathing correctly all the time, and am not mindful of the breath. I also notice that I am tense a lot of the time. Solution: be more mindful, of course! Duh.

I think this is a good start. There’s tons of stuff, but these four things are good to work on.
I love the mid-year New Year’s Resolutions.

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This has been a very rich day. Lots of things to think about and good to practice having the right attitude about things. I just wrote a Hub article about how it might be nice to instead of trying to use all your brain, only use something like 3%.

Uh Oh. Another “Pep Talk”
Tonight, instead of doing a ton of work for the museum (I have all these pet projects that I could be spending more time on; not really necessary but just trying to make things BETTER) I took gram to the Dojang with his dobok (uniform) on - yes, he has a uniform now and he looks so cute in it, and he loves it; he knows how to bow and everything. I had a meeting with KJN (head instructor) and Ms. Hoddeson, whom I teach Tae Kwon Do with at the Urbana Park District.

Anyway the meeting was about the Martial Arts Festival, which I had the bright idea of volunteering to run. And then the other bright idea of asking the Director of the Krannert Art Museum, WHERE I WORK, if we can have the Martial Arts Fesetival there! The Champaign-Urbana Martial Arts Festival has normally been at the HMD Academy in Savoy Dojang, open to the public, but people don’t know about it. I thought to open it up and have it at a neutral place would be awesome, plus would have both “Town” and “Gown” interested in the event, which is something that the Director says she wants; she believes that the museum can be a place that has events that interest both the general non-academic public and the scholars. This event will do that.

Anyway, tonight at our meeting, KJN pretty much decided he was going to take control of the event and gave me what I call a “pep talk” which consists of being mean and yelling and not listening to anything I am saying. Ms. Hoddeson was pretty horrified. He even insulted my character, which he apologized for later. My biggest problem was he was telling me to tell the other martial artists some RULES for the festival, and I had told them already (under his directive) that the group will make the rules together. Anyway he totally relented and even apologized for insulting my character, so really I couldn’t be mad.

I drove home and tried to be angry at him, but just ended up feeling sorry for myself and sulking a bit. He is so much like a god to me, which is strange, because he’s very imperfect and has said terrible things in the past. But he has also said so many amazing things and has such a great program, I guess that’s why I worship him so much. And I also worship him because he can say this kind of crap to me, and then make me feel horrible, and then I have to be strong and get over it. Lose my ego, and ignore his.

The Silver Coat

The other Boss thing that happened that made me think a lot was silly; I have this beautiful Silver Coat that cost more than I usually spend on clothes, and it was finally cold enough this morning to wear it to work. Then my boss came in and said, “Don’t feel badly if you see me wearing this same coat sometimes; I own it too! I don’t want you to feel like I went out and bought it after seeing you in it!” I thought that was so cute, but then I started feeling really weird, because my boss dresses so beautifully, she’s like a work of art. It’s an honor to own something that she owns too! But then I don’t want her to think I spend this much money on clothes, or to feel like she’s paying me too much!

So I thought about what to say for a long time. Should I tell her about all the royalties our band gets from the 13 records we made? How do I tell her that, so that it immediately triggers the thought in her mind, “Oh, thank goodness, I’m not paying Rose too much. She bought the Silver Coat from Junior Citizen royalties.”

How about Tae Kwon do? I make money from teaching that too. And from some other freelancing jobs. I think I do way too much stuff. And probably do own too much clothes.

VTS Redux

Last but not least, I got to see VTS (Visual Thinking Strategies) in action again today. I actually have never seen it happen in person, in fact. This is the ‘art education’ system where you as a facilitator can ask only 3 questions; 1) What is going on in this picture? 2) What makes you say that, and 3) What else can we find? The beauty of this system is that it enables anyone to engage with a painting; not just someone who knows the background, context, history of the painting. I LOVE this system, because it empowers people, levels a student population, and forces people to ground their observations in language and proof. “What do we see in this painting?” “I see a mommy who just yelled at her daughter.” “What makes you say that?” You have to think and then articulate why you made up this story.

A lady at the museum gave this talk and then the New Director Of Education, who is an absolute Gem, gave more speech; the VTS instruction was for a group of Rhetoric Teaching Assistants who had the collective personality of one of the new bricks in our sidewalk, and Anne tried to get them to talk about how they could apply this technique to their teaching. No one bit. I wanted to give everyone the answers, but I thought maybe as a museum employee, I shouldn’t be allowed to enter the contest. So I sat and listened.

There was one instance that I really loved. One of the students being VTS-ed said, “I believe that castle back there was Belgian, perhaps mid-17th century.” The facilitator replied, “So you are trying to figure out the architecture of what you see in the painting; to place it in some way.” You’re not supposed to tell anyone any answers, you’re just supposed to get them to talk and then re-phrase what they said. It’s so damn cool. http://www.vue.org has tons of info on this.

And that’s my review of the day. I am sure I missed something. Tomorrow is going to be hell; I need to be at the Union to load in about 300 pounds of computer equipment - and there will be no parking within 10 miles of where the load-in occurs. Just like playing at a college.

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